A Severely Lacking horror movie

fritz_316

"Thir13een Ghosts" really only exceeds in one area: that it's just another addition of the list of cheesy movies with numbers incorporated into the title (see: Murd3r 8y Num83rs).  This hasn't been clever since "Se7en", which fits because this movie is anything BUT clever or original.

The movie is about a family on the rocks following the tragic death of their mother.  Now in seeming financial ruin, they are surprised with the announcement of a death of their estranged Uncle, who has bequeathed upon them a new but strange house.  And this is where the family meets with the dreaded ghosts....

First off, the movie is genuinly "jumpy" in some scenes.  There were slight moments of suspense, but all finished with no real payoff.  There were moments where I jumped, but thats not the same as scared.  If you flash a picture of a cow smiling in front of me, i might jump too, especially if it's accompanied by flashy strobe lights and loud static and screams. Anyone can make you jump with a lot of trick editing and loud noises.  The scares were totally left to the work of the editor, which says something about the story itself.  Some of the ghost are kind of cool, but you can tell that they set forth to think of like six really cool ghosts, and then settled for a couple other filler-ghosts, and some silly characters.  And the cool ghosts are just disgusting looking, not scary.  To make something as disgusting as possible does not equal scary (see:Halloween's Mike Meyers).

Now for the Acting.  To put it politely, it was come of the worst I've seen in a looong time.  Matthew Lillard is usually crappy, and he succeeds again here.  Note:Spit Bubbles and wide-mouth expressions do not equal great acting.  They equal drugged-up mental patient.  Also Shannon Elizabeth is reeeally bad here.  She is the most pointless character, and she also succeeds in being completely useless.  She has the corniest lines ever, all delivered with the same wide mouthed smile and pig-tails.  She is absurdly annoying and stupid here, words simply cannot explain.   Tony Shalhoub and F. Murray Abraham are too good for this movie, and are scraping the bottom of the barrel for a paycheck here.  And don't even get me started on Rah Digga's acting debut as the family's sassy black nanny.  First off, the family is supposed to be poor and struggling, yet they can afford a nanny. Also, beware stereotypical sassy-black-women lines.  They are here in abundance, and they are seemingly unaware of how dated and unfunny and racist this character is.  And no, I haven't forgotten the young son, but I'm trying too, as will you after viewing this movie.  You will forget about him halfway through this movie, and seemingly so does his family, sort of like the younger sister in "Family Matters".  Oh yeah, she was there.

So, in conclusion, this is a not at all impressive "remake" of a Hollywood Horror "Classic".  Make no mistake, this "classic" horror film is about as classic as "House on Haunted Hill" was...which means it wasn't. Hollywood throws the word 'classic' around like its nothing, and this is the case here.  This movie will have you shaking your head and laughing at some points, it is that bad and unintentionally.  However if you liked "House on Haunted Hill" you will probably enjoy yourself here.  Full of flashy editing, gross-out "scares", and some gore, "Thir13een Ghosts" is just another addition to the growing list of forgetful horror movies who place amount of blood-spilled and gory-ness of the wounds way higher on the totem pole than the story or acting.

score 1/10

fritz_316 23 April 2002

Reprint: https://www.imdb.com/review/rw0728489/